Trauma burns events into the brain, collective trauma harder to ignore
People saying where were you when …
can you see how Agni’s english meaning is already written in the Sanskrit here?
My whole life experience has made me familiar with major loss
Death and trauma. This last yearish is what I trained for.
In 2020-21 as the world fell into chaos and death
I already had been stocked up when they were fighting over scraps and paper.
Did you see it coming? How are you dealing? Or do you shield yourself with you denial?
Where were you when the world descended into madness?
I lost the job I was in love with so much that I worked it to my own financial and professional detriment. Then I was cut off from the part time job I used to support the job I loved.
I would have been completely isolated except for my children and my child's children who came into my care. Thank god they love me. I would have been actually alone. We worked on lessons reading… MATH? Really universe? …why pick me. ….Thanks? 2 baskets of zero apples equals how many apples now …..how about 100 baskets of zero apples? Apart we all shared our animals, made sourdough together and learned to hang out with the help of space and billion dollar technology.
The last man who helped raise me, the one who gave me my surname, died during lock down in the attentive care of my precious little sister. I could only talk to them from a distance though a door. I, the do-er, left to do nothing but listen to him rant on the phone. He talked about, his first attempt to cross over, a grid of a light net on the edge of the cosmos to past though to the other and, who’s in charge? The last thing he said to me was, “You were the best daughter to me, of course, all my girls were.” Our last touch in hospice my hand on his chest moments before he left!
AND The person I have been trying to bridge a personal relationship with for the last 16 years is unraveling. Physical and emotional distance working their toll on us. So I’ve lost my lover. If forever or for now time will tell.
My life thrown into transition. Others must be experiencing similar events. So much change has been forced on this slow moving turtle. So many reasons to sift the past. “That’s all of them, “ i told my sister “unless there’s something I don’t know.” If I ever felt I had some control I’ve lost that illusion. I have once again thrown myself on the sticky ocean of love that is actually in control. Love more powerful than anything
Almost lost this life. I was given my breath back in a quick necessary violent act without anesthesia. My soft palette and inner throat opened with slices of a scalpel. I went inward and hummed OMMMmm. Ommahhh THAT’S TOOOO MUUUCH! Hot puss released under pressure on mother’s day. The same Mayday date years before my partner lost his breath 20plus years before. I tried to go with him but he wouldn’t take me. Cool easy breath now flows in like velvet. I had no idea it was cinching off before! Now I can breathe. (That! was gnarly! Mama! … she said after) I wonder what life was that now …8 or 9?
And throughout Sanskrit found me using the hook of Rumi and Tao Te Ching, AND the voice of Instinctive Meditation. Or maybe… more clearly caught my awareness.
Now I see words, perceiving in 3D. Morphing, shifting form one shape into another deer woman style. One language’s shape changing symbols into the other’s characters. One religion into the next. visually understanding basic meanings in English and Hebrew (the knowing has opened Hebrew) I walk around them as they hang in space. Seeing from the other side of the mirror. Waking me at 4am and I’ve been writing, drawing, carving, creating past noon. How will the bills get paid? Sound words dancing like a pied piper and I am following. I’m feeling the plasmic, orgasmic body pulsating with the breath of life just beyond reason. they/them smelling like spices, vanilla and roses in my nostrils. Give up the argument of god vs goddess… its a worthless description.
PS
I may have lost my mind after it all (after all in this madness of life so far)
I’m the anvil broken hammers all-round. Ive been told it’s gift ..humm
Oh well, I’m fine with that… set the tea party, give me a hat. but I’d prefer a tail.
A start of a new adventure?
How can I be at another start when I feel like I’m at the end?
I recently was asked by a person half my age… It’s supposed to get easier right?
I’m still alive so I just keep moving (moving targets are harder to hit)
Oh well, I’m hanging this swell too… in a sea of wheat?
Full speed ahead,
Speak, I hear your voice, ….How may I best serve?