brain dump: Early morning/night first thoughts Sept 4023

If one comes across my journals. This is how to read my ejecta. To lance my mind. I research thoughts, suggestions and questions. falling down idea rabbit holes (see images of the back feet of rabbits going into holes) and follow them to back to the “not known” or takes faith is achieved  And I’m okay with that answer Not, with the religions constructed on its foundation. Even if the idea is sound. Then there, In my journals I will place a dolphin which means “ but of what ( porpoise) purpose is this path way?  what follows is bits from my digital journaling that is slightly …finished? works/ideas in progress.

Journals

Puddle reflection by LGHurcomb copyright 11set23

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This my existence/ experience has been being in between, doorways and cracks between. I am both this and that, King and their concubine. who is worshiped. Or King and their concubine who is worshiped. Warriors, poets and Artist Art and material, flesh and steel and object objection are all one devotion. Eldest takes all second is educated incase and loaned out for king and countries without a castle. Who has more. Both second and fourth I was created a companion. Stretch out a hand and caress. How to describe without vocabulary, or without the hook of understanding to hang words on. 


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In that place of not knowing where human thought processing glitches  reboots and questions are the answers. I have understood. Where and when i lay napping supported on that velvet belly of supple knowing that I Bubbie am baby. Not fearing death. Not yearning its release. Feeling both ways descendant and ancestor. My existence is to experience and my known flow back to a starting place. Why? For the pleasure! for growth? For orgasmic satisfaction? Session? Companionship? To enjoy being aware or awareness of being aware? I hesitate to say if I even can. Who is worshiped?


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What is first?

A synapse fires, a word forms, a sound is made, Angi.

Or angi fires, a word sounds, the synapse registers

Maybe, sound starts fire igniting Angi, thought

Or, Maybe the circle lays flat?

And there is no first or all is first 


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Laura’s theme song

Keep in mind it’s nature to sting 

Nothn personal Nothing to extreme

Do not allow festering 

That’s only self damaging

Just tend the wound clean

So it will heal

Then keep moving, cause a

Moving target is harder to hit

Chicks dig scars

One more chorus unt-Vee-ur out!

It’s all one love, one heart

Give thanks even when you’re bit

Repeat;


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by LGHurcomb copyright 9set23

In the intermediate phase

Soul tie. …Its good-bye?

Soul tie. …Its good-bye?


Oh no not you too, it’s too soon.

intermediate phase of the moon

I’ve never known you to be early.

Not a morning person, “…Hey you people,”

Sweet Gentle Giant, quiet lunar soul.

I always wondered who you clung to. 

But wasn’t mine to know.

Good bye my companion.

Always solid and strong. soothing so many,

In this story, …I may have been the sidekick

Why must I cut my hair again….

And again.

You and I started this phase together healing 

Others and ourselves,

When normal folks have set their life path,

You and I on different roads, changed at the same time, same place, mid stream.

Making the same choice to reach out, to touch

And turned into each other, But, I wore the red shirt.    I swear I ware the red shirt.


So Why must I cut my hair again….

And again?

The tie that binds, parallel pathways,

6Sept23

One life bleeding into another without crossing

When you knew, You asked for me. Me! Knowing I will come. 

Nothing could stop me

I would wail on the street in front of where you lay

And Tear my garment if that still was the custom 

And clean your feet with my tears, dry them with my hair

….Your people might as well let me in. 




If they allow. I will be adult hold inside my feral grief. 

Hoping it will wait to leak out on the floor,

Saying sorry for your loss because, 

I truly am.

To get to touch you one last time. If I be so bold, my brother.

I will talk so you can hear my voice fill the air in the space between.

hold your hand, sing you on into your dreamless dream lands

Because I love you, then, now, always.          It’s all the same.




So, I MUST cut my hair again, to travel with your next adventure.

Hoping never be to cut off, wish I will, wish I might,  magical thinking wish to connect again

19Sept23

With souls tied, always solid and strong my companion,

slipping away, you soothed so many.

Tonight I stare upward, Waning crescent,

fitting cycle, It’s intermediate phase,

Potent symbol in tradition, wisdom, birth and death

De la Terre à la Lune crying Earth to moon, 

who else to call?

Who’s left to remember my hair was red?

that’s Why must I cut my hair again….

 

By Laura G Hurcomb 13SEPT23   

A reminder of how shot this experience is, I miss you my friend

25 Sept 23

Things Unseen

As you are I once was as I am you soon will be….. I am the person in the mirror

Is this what life is

Tears? Stuff?

Keepsakes, stories, and favorite songs?

Rituals?

Fill me instead with Love.

(Not a singular dogma)

Let not your heart be troubled

No matter our beliefs

That, we believe …or not.

Religions and even science says,

matter/ energy is never lost but,

instead transforms, it can’t be created or destroyed

A law of thermodynamics…

This existence isn’t enough..

Death can’t be the last word

the breath returns.

The dust returns.

Letting go without fear

And preconceived judgements

Breath deep.

Opening to things unseen

believing in love

 Fire Sign ...of creation

Trauma burns events into the brain, collective trauma harder to ignore

People saying where were you when … 

can you see how Agni’s english meaning is already written in the Sanskrit here?

can you see how Agni’s english meaning is already written in the Sanskrit here?

My whole life experience has made me familiar with major loss

Death and trauma. This last yearish is what I trained for.

In 2020-21 as the world fell into chaos and death

I already had been stocked up when they were fighting over scraps and paper.

Did you see it coming? How are you dealing? Or do you shield yourself with you denial?

Where were you when the world descended into madness?

I lost the job I was in love with so much that I worked it to my own financial and professional detriment. Then I was cut off from the part time job I used to support the job I loved.

I would have been completely isolated except for my children and my child's children who came into my care. Thank god they love me. I would have been actually alone. We worked on lessons reading… MATH? Really universe? …why pick me. ….Thanks? 2 baskets of zero apples equals how many apples now …..how about 100 baskets of zero apples? Apart we all shared our animals, made sourdough together and learned to hang out with the help of space and billion dollar technology.


The last man who helped raise me, the one who gave me my surname, died during lock down in the attentive care of my precious little sister. I could only talk to them from a distance though a door. I, the do-er, left to do nothing but listen to him rant on the phone. He talked about, his first attempt to cross over, a grid of a light net on the edge of the cosmos to past though to the other and, who’s in charge? The last thing he said to me was, “You were the best daughter to me, of course, all my girls were.” Our last touch in hospice my hand on his chest moments before he left!


AND The person I have been trying to bridge a personal relationship with for the last 16 years is unraveling. Physical and emotional distance working their toll on us. So I’ve lost my lover. If forever or for now time will tell.

My life thrown into transition. Others must be experiencing similar events. So much change has been forced on this slow moving turtle. So many reasons to sift the past. “That’s all of them, “ i told my sister “unless there’s something I don’t know.” If I ever felt I had some control I’ve lost that illusion. I have once again thrown myself on the sticky ocean of love that is actually in control. Love more powerful than anything

Almost lost this life. I was given my breath back in a quick necessary violent act without anesthesia. My soft palette and inner throat opened with slices of a scalpel. I went inward and hummed OMMMmm. Ommahhh THAT’S TOOOO MUUUCH! Hot puss released under pressure on mother’s day. The same Mayday date years before my partner lost his breath 20plus years before. I tried to go with him but he wouldn’t take me. Cool easy breath now flows in like velvet. I had no idea it was cinching off before! Now I can breathe. (That! was gnarly! Mama! … she said after) I wonder what life was that now …8 or 9?


And throughout Sanskrit found me using the hook of Rumi and Tao Te Ching, AND the voice of Instinctive Meditation. Or maybe… more clearly caught my awareness. 

Now I see words, perceiving in 3D. Morphing, shifting form one shape into another deer woman style.  One language’s shape changing symbols into the other’s characters. One religion into the next. visually understanding basic meanings in English and Hebrew (the knowing has opened Hebrew) I walk around them as they hang in space. Seeing from the other side of the mirror.  Waking me at 4am and I’ve been writing, drawing, carving, creating past noon. How will the bills get paid? Sound words dancing like a pied piper and I am following. I’m feeling the plasmic, orgasmic body pulsating with the breath of life just beyond reason. they/them smelling like spices, vanilla and roses in my nostrils. Give up the argument of god vs goddess… its a worthless description.

PS
I may have lost my mind after it all (after all in this madness of life so far)

I’m the anvil broken hammers all-round. Ive been told it’s gift ..humm

Oh well, I’m fine with that… set the tea party, give me a hat. but I’d prefer a tail.

A start of a new adventure?

How can I be at another start when I feel like I’m at the end?

I recently was asked by a person half my age… It’s supposed to get easier right?

I’m still alive so I just keep moving (moving targets are harder to hit)

Oh well, I’m hanging this swell too… in a sea of wheat?

Full speed ahead,

Speak, I hear your voice, ….How may I best serve?

believing in me

life needs to challenge me to change me

I have learned moving forward to

allow good things to happen in my life

I need to keep my faith bigger then my fear

I need to open myself to

be blessed larger then I can dream

when I could have asked for everything

I have only asked for half and gotten that

Going forward I will choose, for the better

believing in me

 

copyright LGHurcomb

Metosis

Struggling to be free of me I feel my insides rip and bleed a warm river of red

Stretching beyond my former imagination death maybe not to far off

I feel loneliness creeping from inside out.

I am becoming one again by actions beyond me no matter how I struggle against this there’s no holding it in.

I should be happy to be free of madness

Intelligent enough to see logic in my body my own again

Feel joy in emotional pain ending rest

But I who crave symbiosis, now forced into transition

Birthing separation into to distinct divided beings, you and me

Copyright~ LGHurcomb 2016

 

Stage set...... Me, Jordan and Logan  on her birthday

Stage set...... Me, Jordan and Logan  on her birthday

falling feathers

if wishes were fishes my ditches would be full as they say

I'm molting again, old way falling away no way to fix

what has been made broken in the first place

but though I AM HOME and I've been the strong hold.

And I can feel forward in time to a call made too late

So I don't want to but I'm turning the light off now....

just wishing we had a moment

that our ditches were full of fishes

instead of feathers on the ground.

 

 

copyright Lghurcomb 27April2009Angel molting

copyright Lghurcomb 27April2009Angel molting